Eco Twats Leo And Lucy – The Guilt Of Your Christmas Tree

Do you know who is the father of your tree? No, then you should feel very guilty

Christmas trees a quintessential part of the Christmas Festivities, a thing of beauty and enchantment to most people, unless you are an eco mentalist in which case you should be self flagellating because of the guilt of owning a Christmas Tree.

The downside of being an eco mentalist is the guilt, everything an evil human does is riddled with guilt, and Christmas is no exception.

Just simply buying a Christmas tree from a reputable outlet is not enough it would appear; even being fair eco trade sustainable friendly or some similar mix of buzz words is simply not enough.

Any self respecting eco mentalist would demand to see the family tree of their Christmas tree prior to any purchase

From small acorns mighty oaks grow, and all that. Similarly, from small pine cones come statuesque Christmas trees and if you want a truly ethical tree this year you need to trace it all the way back to the seed.

Lucy is so earnest Aardvark feels mean laughing at her, so feeling mean:

Imagine the scene Leo turns up at Tesco in his Toyota Prius to buy a Christmas tree.
Gliding in silently on electric power, Leo parks, gets out of the car and carelessly drops a fair trade eco friendly sustainable dildo made from recycled wood glued together by the droppings of the Madagascan Fruit Bat, which will turn out to be a bit of a problem later on. Leo approaches a Tesco employee who is cold and tired and asks to see the geneaology of a particular Christmas Tree.

According to the Fair Tree project, founded by Danish tree producer Marianne Bols and Teresa Owen of fairwindonline.com, 90% of seeds from the Nordmann Fir (5m are sold in the UK each year) hail from Georgia’s natural forest, as its seeds cannot be farmed.

The whole project is also working towards the Global Gap standard for responsible farming. These truly fairtrade trees are sold through fairwindonline.com, where you can also beautify your ethical tree with some fairtrade tree decorations.

The scene ends with the Tesco worker thinking that Leo is having a giraffe at his expense and picking up  the fair trade eco friendly sustainable dildo made from recycled wood glued together by the droppings of the Madagascan Fruit Bat proceeds to return said dildo to Leo, who wont now be driving until he has seen a proctologist.

Aardvark has it on good authority that there will soon be a vibrating Fruit Bat sex toy on sale, powered by a wind turbine and with a range of exchangeable latex heads in the likeness of Al Gore, Barry Obama, Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper, the Chris Huhne head is available only as a butt plug for reasons of good taste.